Allow Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka to do voiceover work for Borderlands 3
Hello I am Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka and I have a mouth that can make several different voices. Also I am dying of Fatal Death Disease (FDD), and I have months, or perhaps even seconds, to continue living before I get the life deaded out of me. There is but one single goal I aim to accomplish before I am snuffed out of existence by a cruel, uncaring god; to contribute my unique, exciting voice acting skills to at least one character in the upcoming video game smash hit, Borderlands 3. My two year old daughter approaches me on a regular basis, looks up into my eyes, and innocently asks, "daddy, did the nice people at Gearbox Software, particularly Randy Pitchford, agree to let you voice a character in Borderlands 3 yet?" I bend over, cupping her precious face between my hands in a strictly loving way (not so I can crush her skull, as I did with my previous two children). "Not yet, dear. Not yet." Her unbridled weeping lasts for roughly 10 hours or longer, at which point she finally manages to temporarily cease mourning, at least until the subsequent hour.
While I tend to absolutely always avoid engaging in dramatic hyperbole, both Gearbox and Randy Pitchford seem both complacent and content to sit idly by as my precious two year old daughter, through brutal heartbreak, dies a painful death, until she successfully discontinues living. Please find it in your collective souls to take pity upon me and permit a used-up, never-been webmaster to voice a character (or 70) in Borderlands 3. Thank you, and may God bless you all. Unless if you decide no, in which case may God curse you all, as you are repulsive and terrible people in general.