To the esteemed forces of 70s follicular face foliage fortitude and champions of Keegan's charismatic crumb catcher—

Close your eyes and imagine there no lip curtain to match Keegan’s drapes.

Crushingly, our dear friend is teetering on the brink of the unthinkable clean shave, threatening to put an end to his tickle strip of questionable cop energy. Can we call ourselves true champions of the best sin sweeper this side of Tom Selleck if we don't intervene? What is a chia pet without chia pet hair? How else will Keegan savor flavor? How will he titillate lovers, strain soup, motorboat your mom, or startle children? If you'd rather not wake up from this Burt Reynolds fever dream to find the answers, sign this petition, and rally to the cause to save a porn stache legacy. Perchance.