A petition for the immediate restoration of Jaanika’s cognitive abilities.

Our friend Jaanika has recently fallen in love with a man.

Unfortunately, despite multiple warnings, professional advice from her friends, and overwhelming evidence that men are not worth the trouble, she has decided to proceed with this devastating life choice.

We have tried everything: reasoning, begging, reminding her of her worth, and presenting her with facts supported by decades of female suffering.

Unfortunately, the disease has progressed to a stage where she is now smiling at her phone for absolutely no reason. Medical professionals have yet to determine whether this condition is reversible.

Symptoms include:

• Defending a man whose greatest contribution to society so far has been converting oxygen into carbon dioxide;
• Saying “he’s actually different” with a straight face, despite all available scientific evidence suggesting he is, in fact, a man;
• Losing approximately 110% of her critical thinking skills, suggesting the condition has begun consuming brain cells she hadn’t even developed yet;
• Giggling at notifications as though she has just received a personal letter from God himself, rather than a three-word message from a tax-paying mammal with opposable thumbs;
• Developing selective blindness towards red flags so severe that she could walk into the Soviet Union in 1985 and ask where all the green flags are;
• Using the words “when we hug, we breathe in a similar pattern” while exhibiting clear signs of oxygen deprivation to the brain. She has reportedly interpreted the synchronization of two respiratory systems as proof of divine intervention, rather than the unfortunate biological reality that both individuals possess functioning lungs;
• Mistaking basic human decency for a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event, apparently confusing the bare minimum with the second coming of Christ;
• Experiencing a complete shutdown of the prefrontal cortex upon hearing his name, suggesting that her higher cognitive functions have been replaced by a small Victorian woman fainting onto a chaise longue;
• Displaying levels of delusion previously thought to be achievable only through experimental brain surgery.

At this point, conventional treatment has failed. We have exhausted all available resources, including logic, emotional support, and repeatedly asking her to stand up.

We are therefore calling upon the government, the World Health Organization, the scientific community, and anyone with access to a time machine to intervene immediately.

Our demands are simple:

1. Bring back lobotomy.
2. Classify “he’s different” as a national warning signal.
3. Provide emergency funding for girls who have fallen victim to male attention.
4. Launch an independent investigation into the neurological effects of receiving a “good morning” text.
5. Restore Jaanika to factory settings.

Every signature brings us one step closer to getting our friend back.

This is not just a petition, this is a rescue mission!!

Please sign before she starts saying “I can fix him.” 

Thoughts and prayers……………

Jaanika, if you’re reading this, we’re doing this because we love you (unfortunately, love appears to be exactly what got us into this situation in the first place).