The current $1 coin, the Loonie, is adequate. But like all fiat currency, it suffers from a major flaw: time and inflation perpetually debase its real value. It's a tragedy of modern monetary policy.

The solution is revolutionary: petition the Bank of Canada and Minister of Finance to honour one of Canada's most cherished and internationally celebrated comedians, John Candy, by featuring his image on a new, special-issue Canadian $1 bill, affectionately known as the "Uncle Buck. Thus, creating the world's first emotionally backed currency.

The Loonie: A cold, hard coin that loses spending power every year.

The Uncle Buck: A tender, nostalgic memory of John Candy that COMPELS citizens to keep it. The emotional desire to hold the bill is so strong, it will remain out of circulation, perfectly preserved.

This saved money—this stack of untouched, beloved Uncle Bucks—will then form a crucial, DIAMOND-HANDED WAR CHEST, creating a pool of capital that is safe from YOLOing on junior mining stocks, ordering taxis for late night burritos, and buying subscriptions to Chatelaine.

The Endgame: $BB (BlackBerry)

When the time is right, and the imminent turnaround of BlackBerry ($BB) finally hits its legendary, moon-shot valuation, Baystreetbets degenerates will have the cash on hand!

They won't need to out another questionable loan at the Money Mart. They'll just gather their massive, nostalgia-driven hoard of Uncle Bucks and be prepared to BUY THE DIP before the RIP.

• P.S. We haven't figured out how people will part with their beloved Uncle Bucks to buy BlackBerry if they love them so dearly—this is known as the Uncle Buck Paradox. We'll cross that highly illiquid, emotionally complex bridge AFTER we’re eating Jos Louis on the Moon. This is a good plan. Trust us.

Sign this petition. Give Canada its Uncle Buck. Secure the bag (of $BB). Become a Baystreetbets degenerate.