The recent action of Verizon wireless to issue a one Robin Weller a iPhone 4 on the 3G network has created an unforeseen problem with Americas phone system. The only way to protect Americans, their technology, sanity, and otherwise overall wellbeing (represented as LIFE from here on out) is to apply an immediate revocation of iPhone model 4 issued to Robin Weller. LIFE is better when Robin is on the 2G. Energy consumption since last Wednesday has tripled in the Greater Lansing area and quadrupoled in the Denver region. Global warming has significantly increased in the last five days, as evidence: 14 polar bears drowned last night alone, penguins flew across the Drake Passage to seek shelter at a local establishment, and Menard's was cleaned out of AC units over the weekend. LIFE as we know it is in shambles and unless one Robin Weller, Verizon Wireless, and Apple compensate the entire universe for the increased resource consumption of LIFE we see no other choice but to apply immediate public domain restrictions on one Robin Weller and remove the iPhone from his possession.

Links