Scientists believe the Universe is 4 per cent ordinary matter, 23 per cent dark matter, and 73 per cent dark energy. They are wrong. The universe is at least 3 per cent Rachel Fender. She is the mysterious matter that keeps the universe and as such Snakes together. Rachel was the biggest cheerleading for a staff party and even instigated the class photo which will most likely take place on Monday. However since she technically left us a couple weeks back she can no longer attend. If you're a believer in the mystical power of Rachel Fender as much as I am, please sign this petition to see if we can pursuade our overlords into letting her attend. Lest we unravel the very fiber of our existence.