For the cultural \"crimes\" of... (1) Promoting the unfettered, flagrant, capricious, and wasteful consumption of pointless crap; (2) Corrupting and propagandizing countless youths with the asinine, unimaginative, stupid, and exasperating shibboleth, \"That\'s hot\"; (3) Being so vain, narcissistic and irrationally nonsensical as to publicly argue that she ought to be pardoned for her criminal violations (and unrivaled stupidity) because she, in her own empty lot of a mind, \"provides beauty and excitement to our otherwise mundane lives\"; (4) Being so foolishly and categorically unacquainted with the living example of \"irony\" that she provides (cf. Complaint no. 3). (5) Disproportionately, enthusiastically, and perseverantly contributing to the thorough annihilation of youths\' (as well as many adults\') positive orientation to constructive social values (e.g., hard work, modesty, humility, charity, respectfulness, frugality, concern for the environment, etc.); (6) Initiating, vis-a-vis Complaints 1-5, an epidemical era of \"destructive idolatry\" that represents a clear, present, and direct threat to the integrity and continuation of a meaningful, productive, authentic, ethical, respectable, edifying, and fulfilling cultural form; ...I, the signer of this petition, hereby call for Paris Whitney Hilton to be remanded to the custody of the Los Angeles County Jail until such time as she proves capable of providing at least some, small useful function in society. May she otherwise be imprisoned indefinitely.

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