Fence Off Fife
thebrockvillespirit.com/forum The Brockville Spirit would like to invite you to sign this petition and help ‘Fence off Fife’ from the rest of the world. Frankly, we have had to suffer the people of this so-called “kingdom” tarnishing our reputation and polluting our gene pool for too long. Consider this: • Former Raith Rovers programme seller, Gordon Brown, has helped ensure that your house is either worth less than what you paid for, or that you’ll be unable to sell it. And in any case, you’ll be lucky to have a job soon to paythe bloomin’ mortgage! • Fifers have ruined the gentle Scots tongue by introducing words like “yahoorserr,” used to emphasise the extremity of a situation or incident ie: “yahoorserryirmawwisblooteredlastnicht” which would translate as “your mother had too much to drink last night.” It’s just not normal. • Dunfermline is so crap that they had to build Glenrothes to take over as the county town of Fife. It’s like inventing SMASH to replace frozen chips. And if you think that isn’t enough, take a look at what they’ve been getting up to in their spare time, as reported in the media: “A mother has run away with her teenage son after being reported to police for having sex with him. The married woman, 38, fled her home with the boy she had given up for adoption years ago, after being reunited with him recently. Now 18, the boy and his mother are on the run after declaring they are in love.” “A BROTHER and sister who had an affair were spared jail yesterday - but warned not to resume their relationship. Mother-of-one Danielle Heaney, 22, and her half-brother Nicholas Cameron, 28, were each put on a year’s probation.” “School-children in Fife have the highest levels of obesity in Scotland, according to new figures.” Active schools coordinators have been appointed to coax young people into becoming more active after lessons. The figures showed that about 15% of the children surveyed were classed as over weight. A further 11% were either obese, or severely obese, based on findings covering the NHS Fife region.” “SCHOOLKIDS have set up a website celebrating the downfall of a teacher who was jailed for having sex with a boy of 14. Former pupils have bombarded the “We hate Mr. Moyes” forum with insults and abusive remarks about James Moyes, who met his young victim through the internet. One youngster brands him “sick and twisted”, whilst another says: “Do yirsel a favour and drop dead.” Moyes, 32, was jailed for a year at Dunfermline Sheriff Court on Wednesday, after admitting homosexual acts with a person under 16.” Our demands are simple: • Demolish the pishy rusty Meccano set that is the Forth Rail Bridge, dismantle the Forth Road and the Tay Bridges, and ban southbound traffic on the imaginatively named “Clackmannanshire Bridge. The systematic destruction of these bridges would cut Fifer escape routes dramatically, while allowing sanitary services access. • Introduce a joint NATO/Greenpeace naval protection force to keep them out of the Firths of Forth and Tay, and the North Sea, so as to protect fishing stocks and adjacent natural habitats. The Norwegians will be well up for this. • Erect a Glastonbury-style impenetrable perimeter fence on the land borders with Clackmannanshire, Stirling, and Perth & Kinross. At least then there’d be a useful erection in Fife. We will deliver this petition to UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon (can’t really deliver it to No10, given the current incumbent). Not only is Fife a threat to international peace and security (it produced Gordon Brown...) but public health (linoleum) and morals (Barbara bloody Dickson!). Not only that, if there wasn’t a Falkland, with its so-called Palace, there would never have been a Falklands War, would there So come on everybody, let’s consign this God-forsaken, unitary-authority-of-iniquity to the dustbin of history and FENCE OFF FIFE!