Dear Mr. Byrne,

I’m writing to you this morning in an effort to bring to your attention the lack of Xbox 360s in the office. The Xbox 360 is a popular games console, as of March of this year the console has sold over 77.2 million units worldwide and is set to be replaced with the Xbox One by the end of the year.

This means that the price of the Xbox 360 will be significantly reduced in the coming weeks because consumers will be waiting for the next generation of games consoles to hit the stores. This is good news for us because we can, in a cost effective, rectify the lack of Xbox 360s currently in the office.

I have laid out 5 ways in which an Xbox 360 will boost morale, productivity and communal spirit in the Student Marketing Network’s office. They are as follows:

1. An Xbox 360 could be placed strategically in the office to be a nodal region of entertainment for employees who are on their lunch break or need something to do while the broadband is not working (side note we might need to get a new modem and/or internet provider, we will need a strong internet access for Xbox Live – see point 3 for more information). By placing the Xbox in a room separate from the main offices, employees can be free to chat in an area that is not around my desk when I’m editing articles.

2. An Xbox 360 would be good for mental health. I’m finding myself increasingly staring at my laptop screen during the day in a trance. The digital age is bringing on an existential crisis and I feel a game of FIFA or 10 minutes of joy riding in GTA:V could eradicate the profound thoughts I have about our existence and the meaning of it all. This means I won’t be moping around the office quoting Jean Paul Sartre or writing extensive daily articles on Albert Camus’ ‘The Stranger’. An Xbox 360 will mean I’ll be writing articles like ‘5 Things You Do In A Multiplayer Mission Of Call Of Duty’, this will be accompanied by memes under each number so people won’t even have to read the article, they will just have to look at photographs. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then you will get 5,000 words out of me for the price of one article. Pretty good deal if you ask me.

3. Business golf meetings are so last decade. In this 24/7 world of instant mass communication, who has time to put on silly golf attire and trek out to a waterlogged field in the countryside while trying to hit a ball into a small hole. An Xbox 360 headset will let you talk to clients over a friendly game of FIFA and live out a fantasy of winning the Premiership with the mighty Stoke City. Xbox Live only requires a reasonable subscription fee every month but this will open you to vast array of contacts that might normally be unreachable due to geographical constraints. If you want, I can play as you and win all the matches. This little act of deception might be an ethical grey area but if we get away with it, clients and other business associates will be well impressed.

4. It is possible to connect your Netflix account to your Xbox 360. This means we can enjoy the online library of television and films from the service on the big screen. Regular screenings of Rocky 4 might be an excellent way to get a dialogue running among the employees. Nothing creates better bonding in an office than a group of people trying their best to do Sylvester Stallone impressions. It can be the basis for inside jokes in the office, throughout the day when there is an awkward silence, someone could get up on their desk and with their fists clenched and raised in the air, they could shout, “DRAGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”, at the top of their voice. It might annoy the other businesses in the estate but they will just be jealous of how well we function as a unit.

5. Finally, I don’t know about you but I’m a bit distraught at the moment after hearing that Ben Affleck will be playing Batman in the Superman sequel. Batffleck has given me mixed emotions. On one hand, I want to give the man a chance as he is an excellent director. On the other hand, I’m still haunted by the memories of having to sit through that big steaming pile of diarrhoea that was Daredevil. Hopefully time will let me digest the news in an optimistic manner. However, while I wait for myself to come to terms with the news, I would like to play the recent Batman games, Arkham Asylum and Arkham City. I think this distraction from Batffleck will give me clearer focus at work.

I’m aware that I have made a compelling argument for the introduction of the Xbox 360 in the work place but I feel that I will need some external support as a safety net. That is why I have started a petition online asking people to support my office endeavours. Please click here to view it:

I hope to hear back from you in the near future and I look forward to beating you at FIFA during lunch.

Kindest regards,

Niall Gargan.