We, the undersigned, consider it absolutely outrageous that two female drug smugglers hailing from the British Empire are currently being imprisoned against their will in Peru. It is quite wrong for females with XX chromosomes to be held accountable for their own actions- particularly given that they are not men who have XY chromosomes. We call upon the government to declare war upon the citizens of Peru and to impose the threat of nuclear/chemical attacks unless they should duly release our lady-criminals (or, in the event that this should contravene the technicalities of an archaic yet legally-binding treaty, we'll settle for economic sanctions).

Furthermore, we believe that it is time for a reform of the British justice system. Attractive young women should be at liberty to commit any crime they wish, without having to face any form of justice- unless a court of law can prove beyond reasonable doubt that the female in question had definitely NOT been acting under oppressive male duress. Is the requirement of such proof not fundamental to the concept of "innocent until proven guilty"? Under the reformed legal system, all lady-criminals would firstly have their photos submitted to the website "Hot or Not", where they would be required to receive an average score of no less than 8 out of 10. Next, they would be expected to cry female tears, preferably in the presence of news crews. The tears would then have to be verified in a laboratory, where they would be tested for adequate levels of oestrogen (in order to ensure that no sobbing males, who look deceptively good after a little makeup, might wrongfully be permitted to evade prosecution). Finally, they would be required to lay all blame for their behaviouir upon the actions of a third-party male gentleman/gentlemen- as a reminder of the fact that 100% of all genuine crime is instigated by those in possession of male gonads. Provided that they can comply with these requirements, all female criminals would be both acquitted and awarded a substantial compensation settlement. However, in the event that any one of these requirements cannot be met, we the undersigned believe that we should lock up all women and have Kevin Pietersen throw away the key. Possibly even if there is no specific evidence that a crime had been committed.

Sponsor

Links