We submit that "The Golden Dong" is the finest work of literature ever written by a human. Accordingly, the undersigned hereby demand that "The Golden Dong" be given proper recognition as a masterpiece of contemporary fiction, be declared the Official Fanfiction of the Sovereign State of Ohio, that every June 26th henceforth will see a public reading of the Golden Dong on the steps of the State Capitol by James Earl Jones (or a comparable vocal talent), and that a statue of its author shall be cast of gold and rhinestones and set upon those same steps, and maintained in perpetuity, by Ohio state tax revenues.