First off, Susquehanna University should be complemented for their brilliant work in getting this far. Earlier this month, the university was fortunate enough to inform students that they would no longer be released off campus because there were enough on-campus housing options.

To the naïve eye, this move may seem like the culmination of several terrible long-term management decisions that were completely lacking in foresight. But by the time that the university finishes its master plan, even the most stubborn holdouts will be praising the university for its brilliance.

For this reason, we are here to say that it’s time for Susquehanna University to finish the job, and build a beautiful red brick wall enclosing the university from the cesspool of poverty and indecency that lies beyond it in the town of Selinsgrove.

Obviously there are some questions to be answered. First off, why build a wall? There are many reasons that now is the time to build a wall separating Susquehanna University from the rest of Selinsgrove. Just to name a few:

1) It will help the University gain more money to help its students. One of the most valuable aspects of a college education is the opportunity to learn real world skills such as paying bills, dealing with neighbors, and maintaining property. Once Susquehanna University students are robbed of this opportunity, they’ll have no choice but to pay full room and board to Susquehanna! When you couple this development with more stringent core requirements and inordinately high tuition, the university will have all of the funding it needs to help its students, or buy out more public housing.

2) It will help protect students from the criminal underbody that is Selinsgrove, Pennsylvania. This was the natural result of Susquehanna’s last brilliant move – buying out what was formerly the Pine Meadow public housing complex. Now that the denizens of Pine Meadow are roaming the streets of Selinsgrove, the socioeconomic differences between the Selinsgrove natives and the S.U. students are even further exacerbated. By now, the school certainly has justification to take this final step in protecting its students.

3) It will make the school seem fancier. When a school like Susquehanna University begins accepting 75% of applicants yet steadily missing its enrollment goals, it is obvious what the problem is: the school doesn’t appear to be classy enough. The easiest way to fix this problem is to raise the price tag. Now that Susquehanna will crack the $50,000/yr. mark with even less affordable housing options for students, these trends will undoubtedly reverse, and Susquehanna will become the next Pepperdine.

There are also some logistics that should be discussed. What will be the contours of this wall? The wall will obviously enclose the entire campus. However, it is certainly true that the town of Selinsgrove could not exist in its current state without the economic injection provided by university students. With this in mind, the wall will also enclose certain parts of Selinsgrove.

· First, the wall will enclose Selinsgrove’s two smoke-free bars (BJ’s and Bots), and leave the Selinsgrove Hotel for the local residents.

· The Selinsgrove Inn is much too expensive and unnecessary for local residents, so it will also be annexed into the Susquehanna wall.

· How about gas stations? Everybody needs them. Luxury cars use as much gas as 1989 Ford Broncos. To accommodate everybody, the Sunoco Gas station on Market Street will be split down the middle, with only the premium gas pumps enclosed inside the wall. The store portion of the Sunoco will remain outside the wall, so that local residents have access to cigarettes, lottery tickets, and tacquitos.

· The restaurant areas in the southern section of Market Street – including Subway, Isabella’s, and Kind Café – will be enclosed inside Susquehanna’s wall.

· The “strip”, as it is commonly known, will remain outside the wall, leaving local residents access to Long John Silver’s, Pizza Hut, and, of course, Wal-Mart.

· Dawn’s Diner remains popular with both Selinsgrove natives and Susquehanna students. Since Susquehanna students have more money, Dawn’s will be contained within the wall. However, there will be a small sliding door just large enough for Dawn’s employees to slide breakfast mash-ups outside the wall to local residents.

By now, it should be abundantly clear that Susquehanna University needs your support on this final step to greatness. Don’t let down the university that we all know and love! Sign this petition, and show it to alumni, friends, and faculty!

“Loyal to her by night and by noon,

We'll raise the Orange and Maroon!”