STOP FOOTBALL

Tired, hungover and at the end of its tether, the Fiver realised how much the quality of all our lives would improve if we could STOP FOOTBALL, causing it to cease to exist altogether. We pointed out that we'd still have cricket and cycling and hurling and rugby and golf and snooker and darts and boules and that thing on Eurosport where blokes see who can bounce furthest down a ridiculously steep hill without getting crushed by the motorbike they've just been unseated from, but wouldn't have to deal with tedious drivel about England's Brave John Terry not going to Manchester City, Him being unveiled by Them, or Bristol City manager Gary Johnson hailing the capture of Scotland international Paul Hartley as "a great signing". We wouldn't have to worry about any of those things because football would be stopped. Forever.

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