Minnesota should no longer have the privileges of US statehood because: a. There is an unbelievably high ratio of dirty ignorant yokels to people with brains. b. The residents consider themselves proud to be Scandinavian more than they are proud to be American c. The epidemic level of meth addiction in the state d. The blase attitude most residents have toward bestiality, in particular, bestiality involving swine. e. The disproportionate amount of our nation's food supplies the average Minnesotan devours. f. Most residents drink Hamm's beer g. Minnesotans already hate and despise people who come from the other United States, and treat such "outsiders" with contempt and the oddly named "Minnesota Nice," which is not nice at all, but rather passive-aggressive and a little bitchy. For these reasons, and many others, we sign our names urging those in Congress to strip Minnesota of membership in The Union, and make it a protectorate of Norway. Minnesota's seats in the US House of Representatives and US Senate will be transferred to states that can use them. One Minnesota senate seat will be allocated to New York, and the other will be allocated to Wisconsin. Minnesota's seats in the House of Representatives will be awarded to the District of Columbia. The United States Flag will not be altered to now have 49 stars. Instead, the star representing Minnesota (fourth row, third from the right) will have an asterisk by it. All "cool" residents of Minnesota (e.g., Al Franken, Bob Dylan, The Jayhawks) will be considered to be from Canada, like Neil Young. Border Patrol agents will be sent to the Minnesota-Wisconsin border, with orders to shoot on sight any overweight slackjawed person in a Vikings or Twins jersey. The current and future presidents of the US will be allowed to call in airstrikes on the area formerly known as the state of Minnesota, anytime he or she wants, without seeking Congress' approval first. All other decisions regarding Minnesota's new status as a foreign and hostile area will be decided on an ad hoc basis. But we, the undersigned, state that the nation can not wait any longer, and the first step toward healing and moving forward is to revoke Minnesota's statehood, and renounce all ties and obligations to it and its "people."
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