USA: Please Keep The Beckhams, We Don\'t Want Them Back!

People of the USA, we salute you for taking the Beckhams off our hands. David and Victoria Beckham have somehow managed to dominate the mainstream media in Europe for the last decade or so, largely through staged publicity stunts, rumoured eating disorders and having celebrity friends. Though they\'re probably nice enough in person, they\'re also both exceptionally boring to read about or watch on TV. And we the people of Europe have had enough! One is a good enough but certainly not the best footballer, the other was a particularly poor component of a particularly poor girl band. Neither possess anything resembling a personality, making their achievments admirable yet still incredibly - and I mean incredibly - painful to bear. Now that they\'ve left Europe for where they belong - the shallow world of the Beverly Hills set - we, the undersigned politely request them never to return to Europe, the only exception being if either David or Victoria have to be extradited on criminal charges.


The Confusionists (inspiration provided by Kieran Colfer, an Irish Confusionist)



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