When Jesus descended Mount Sinai and bestowed upon the Founding Fathers the Holy Vows of Marriage, He explicitly prohibited guy-on-guy action. He told us that if gays were allowed to take these vows, then the cosmic energy field surrounding the marriage would be broken, and the laws of the universe would be thrown into chaos. Those of us with valid marriages would be drawn into an uncontrollable urge to physically, sexually, and emotionally abuse and/or abandon their spouse and children. By signing this pledge, you agree to abuse or abandon your family if gay marriage is ever legalized. You also pledge to never insert anything into or touch your butthole, not even in the shower. If a doctor instructs you to put something in your butthole, you must put whatever it is into his butthole to teach him a lesson.