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WHEREAS, the undersigned individuals support the specific objections and objectives of this petition; and
WHEREAS, the undersigned individuals are thoroughly outraged by the decision of the producers at ESPN to continue to employ announcer Dick Enberg for the purpose of commentating on the Grand Slam events, specifically the Australian Open, Roland Garros, and the Championships Wimbledon; and
WHEREAS, the offending party, Dick Enberg, has on numerous occasions mispronounced the names of the very players whose matches he has been assigned to call (repeatedly throughout the duration of these matches). Furthermore, on one specific occasion, the offending party was unable to pronounce a name consisting of no more than three letters and one syllable. Moreover, not infrequently, the players whose names are thus fumbled are not unfamiliar to those who have a moderate degree of education concerning professional tennis, which is to say that the average professional tennis aficionado would be better suited to perform the duties of the offending party; and
WHEREAS, the offending party is under the misconception that he is both poetic and sagacious: in truth he is neither. His insipid and incessant sentimentality, putrid mellifluence, and the general nature of his tennis commentary are vexatious and detract from the viewers’ enjoyment of matches; and
WHEREAS, the offending party regularly and invariably muddles the scores of the very matches he has been assigned to call. This common blunder on the part of the offending party includes (but is not limited to) confusion over the score within a given game. In addition, he has also been known to jumble badly the number of games played in a given set, and reportedly has done no less than to declare “match point” early on in the first set of one such match. Due to the frequency and nature of these scoring inaccuracies, we cannot avoid the conclusion that these are not simple “slips of the tongue,” but symptoms of an overarching problem: that is, not only does the offending party suffer from perpetual lapses in concentration while he is performing his commentary duties, but he is prone to periodic naps while in the commentary box.
THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED, the undersigned ask that the producers at ESPN exclude the offending party, Dick Enberg, from their ensuing Grand Slam broadcasts.
BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, the undersigned ask that the producers at ESPN exclude the offending party, Dick Enberg, from any other tennis-related broadcast.
BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, the undersigned encourage the producers at ESPN not to use the offending party, Dick Enberg, for the purpose of commentating on any other sporting event, for the sake of our fellow sports enthusiasts. |
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